Yesterday, I read an interesting article by one of my favorite theorists, Adam Phillips.
Phillips has written books such as Missing Out that I have found very helpful as I have written about the role of frustration in both our personal and professional lives as teachers. Phillips is a psychoanalyst working out of London, but I find his insights pretty universal to the entire human condition.
In his article, Phillips provides an interesting take on the
Christian version of the Golden Rule: Love your enemies as yourself. And what
is interesting here is that Phillips doesn’t
argue that we are falling short in our attempts to live out this moral rule--rather,
he says that we have lived out this moral
rule all too well.
How is that, you ask?
Well, Phillips spends a lot of time in his article unpacking
the
fundamental ambivalence that underlies everything that matters to us in
this life. The way in which love and hate often alternate for us in our deepest
and most intimate relationships. In particular, he does a wonderful job showing
how our consciences--under the guise of self love--often inflict a lot of
internal damage.
In short: We are usually incredibly hard on ourselves. It’s
therefore no surprise that the disgust we often feel with ourselves gets
communicated out onto others.
Phillips’ is a not a feel-good message about self esteem.
Rather, I think it’s about recognizing the way in which we often set ourselves
up to fail by holding unrealistic expectations of our ability to manage and
control the world.
When I get mad at a student or colleague for not responding
the way I want them to, am I not in essence also getting mad at myself for my
inability to get them to act the way I think they should?
What if we freed ourselves up from some of these expectations?
What if we just focused on being more honest, with our students and with
ourselves, about how things are going in the moment? What if we framed every
teaching moment as an inquiry into the state of our relationships--with each
other (I’m really annoyed with you all
right now), with the subject matter we are teaching (This is terribly boring), and with the world we are attempting to
understand and change (This textbook
underestimates the amount of dysfunction in our government).
This is an incredibly hard time of year. It’s easy to fall
into bad habits. It’s easy to let our emotions get the better of us. I invite
you to take a less combative and controlling attitude towards your world and
try out an attitude of acceptance of what currently is. Let honesty and
authenticity be your weapon of choice. Expect that the world will return to you
what you give it. See if this change in attitude helps you--for one period, for
one day, for one week.
Take care!
Kyle
